This or That

Some ideas without words

“And the drumline of pulse

Giving out to the sound

Of my feet taking leave of the ground”


………….excerpt from a previous poem of mine buried in a computer somewhere.

---

There are things you cannot talk about 

while you are going through them.

There are no words.

I believe that you CAN express some of it 

with music or art of some kind; 

maybe you can commune with a tree over it.

Maybe you can tell a cloud,

or the moon,

or think to the sun.

It feels like some things are just 

impossible to understand in thoughts made of words.

There are poems that you write that are only for you.

There are forms of love that have never been described.

There are thoughts that you think 

that you do not even want to admit to yourself,

thoughts you cannot explain to yourself;

if you told other people they would interfere, 

with their lack of understanding.

If you let someone observe the most inner, 

inner workings of your mind,

they would find something they call “hard to define."

They would, then, immediately try to define it,

 possibly pass judgement on it,

and then effect it somehow 

by their mere observation.

Even if it is only you feeling protective of it 

and defining it as “not that”, in its defense;

it has still had an effect.

So why let them observe it in the first place?

Some things belong to your soul and your soul only.

They are not for everyone to understand 

unless we are one thing,

and then in the end we will.

But for now, we wait.

Have you ever tried to talk yourself through something 

so that you could make sense of it,

but then realize that it makes absolutely no sense at all, 

no matter how hard you try,

so you just decide to live with it in a state of limbo?

You never land, you are always

 hovering there in the realm of possibility,

 never falling on either side,

floating in space, 

waiting for new information to come into view.

It is nice to land on a well thought out explanation 

of the ideas and thoughts that you hold.

Because then when you jiggle your head around,

there is not so much knocking around in there.

It is all attached somewhere more securely as “this” or “that”,

with its “correct label.”

You can’t stick it in a box,

though you may try.

When it pops up you just say,

“Oh, this is just either "this" or "that.”

Watch it float.

Keep it in suspension.

You don’t even understand it,

how do you expect other people to?

If you tried to explain it,

they would misinterpret.

They would remember wrongly.

They would act like they “Know” you

and what you will say or do next.

They will tell you what you should do

and how you should think about it.

Some things you keep to yourself; 

that’s wise.

It is for you to find the meaning.

You do not need to give people everything.

Some of it you can keep for yourself,

even if you are the kind of person who wants to give everything away.

We cannot hold other people responsible 

to understand our most private thoughts

when we do not even understand them fully ourselves.

It is not always right to put that on them,

if you prefer to think of it that way;

you do them a favor.

Even when it is as overwhelmingly beautiful as having a pet unicorn who can:

clean the house,

dance and cook,

use a toilet,

get a part time job,

and light a fire.

Even if it were that good of a feeling,

 you could not share it with anyone,

if you did not fully understand it yourself.

That would be irresponsible.

So, you spend your life enjoying this confusing aspect

or feeling befuddled by it,

and you do not mention it to anyone.

But it drives you.

It reminds you that there is something amazing about this life

that you really want to grasp.

It gives you a window into what is possible.

It sustains you in a way.

You do not depend on it,

but you do allow it to give you energy.

But, you never mention it to anyone.

First of all, you don’t even know how to express it to yourself,

even if you wanted to.

You have tried and failed.

Maybe you have tried and all efforts at 

description come out wrong.

Maybe you have tried while 

talking to yourself aloud.

Maybe you made words to 

describe how it makes you feel

only to find that there are no words.

Each word comes with its own connotation,

its own baggage,

its own burden.

None of these words are good enough to express that thing.

Like reverberations in the air that you can see and feel,

like sun mandalas behind your eyes,

they are so beautiful there is no way to describe them with words.

You can try,

but unless you can see them or feel them,

you cannot truly know their beauty.

Some things are that way.

No words can do "it" justice.

The only thing that comes close is reverent silence,

or music,

or art,

or a conversation with a tree,

or with the sun,

or with the moon.

Here is a Motzart piece that I look forward to buying. It pleases me. (turn it up, baby)

Here is a piece of Music my oldest son recommended to me. I like it.